Friday, November 25, 2016

The right connection

   As I walked in the park yesterday, I had an old, familiar but unwanted feeling. A sense of what could almost be described as dread, certainly negativity, pervaded my outlook. As is usual in these situations, I could not seem to muster any concrete ideas on how to change my view.
   Nearing the corner of the southeast side of Stow Lake, I saw a man that I once had an argument with, a man that I find disrespectful and bullying. I imagined that something bad was going to happen, and supposed that seeing him in some way justified my negative view of the world at that moment.
   I felt him look at me as we passed, and he let out a loud spit as I heard him turn around to call his dog. I sensed that it was directed at me, but kept on walking as if oblivious to his presence. I was glad that I did.
   I continued on, satisfied that I hadn't engaged outside of my own feelings, and a minute or so later approached a pleasant woman that I see almost daily, and with whom I've had some nice conversations about wonderful things that we had each recently experienced in the park.
   "Beautiful day" she said as we passed, and my mood instantly changed.
   I suddenly sensed a connection to the world, as if I hadn't had one for some time, even though I may have felt one recently. I just tend to forget the good things more easily than the negative ones.
    I realized at that moment in a visceral way that it is absolutely vital for me to try to focus on the positive relationships that I have, no matter their depth or complexity, and to reaffirm them often. It seems that I have difficulty recalling them with sufficient force to keep myself filled with the feelings that I get from them. Without them, I am often left feeling alone and fearful.
   

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