Friday, November 18, 2016

My unquiet mind

   As I watched the voter returns from the recent presidential elections, I was quite shocked by what I was witnessing.
   Like many people it seems, I was quite surprised as I watched the returns reported. Disappointed, for sure, but I didn't think about it much more than that as I got into bed for the night.
   Surprisingly to me, I had trouble falling asleep immediately, which was unusual, but imagined it a short alteration in my normal pattern. Perhaps it was inevitable after seeing the news I had just retreated from.
   As I tried to calm myself, I became aware that thoughts had changed; what had started as rapid, seemingly random thoughts about nothing in particular, had changed to particular ones about people who seemed to do whatever they wanted in the world, without apparent care for others.
   Unanswered questions formed in my brain, oscillating between the new President-elect of the United States, to a man who I see on occasion walking his dog in Golden Gate Park, then back and forth again and again. The man seems from the park seems to enjoy watching his dog attempt to catch squirrels, and did not care for my protestations when I confronted him about it. What seemed to unite these two individuals for me was that both men appeared comfortable in saying and acting as they wished, apparently at ease with themselves for being that way.
   I kept trying to fathom how a person could think like those individuals (Donald Trump, too, seems to say and do whatever he pleases), but came to no comfortable, calming conclusion. I couldn't imagine how one could act so inconsiderately and justify that behavior to themselves. That was what was so remarkable and hard for me to really understand.
   Personally, when I am angry or frustrated I can act in ways that I wished I had not. Still, I always feel really badly about it afterwards. Usually excessively so.
   Perhaps I couldn't quiet my mind because what I regard as selfish, inconsiderate people really do bother and disturb me. Or, maybe it was because I was so uncomfortable with wishing I could act below my own higher values without bitter self-judgment.

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