Updating my present

   I don't have a lot of specific memories of my childhood, just bits and pieces that I try to put together to help me understand how I came to be the ways I am today, and perhaps what I might wish to be more like in the future. I try to jog more memories and feelings loose in multiple ways, including through psychoanalysis, making art, taking walks in nature, and writing on this blog. All are ways that I try to better see what I have experienced, whether I am conscious of those experiences or not. I find that as I am able to recall more things, no matter how minute, the more a sort of story line starts to form, and my past begins to appear more sequential.
   I have found that expoloring the different kinds of music, clothing and design styles from my childhood and early teenage years helps me to remember things I have long suppressed or forgotten, and often lead me recall other images, thoughts and feelings from my past.
   Some of the things I am currently exploring are wacky packages, slow soul music from the 1970s, and earth-toned colors.

That's me in the lower left corner with my sister and some cousins. I must be 

around eight or nine years old here, which would make this around 1972.

A supportive world

   I have quite a few pairs of shoes for a man, especially for a man that dresses as casually as I do. Owning somewhere in the neighborhood of 22 pairs, all of my shoes are basically variations of the same style; an oxford or ankle boot with a moccasin toe design in either suede or leather. If all my shoes are so similar in their design, and possess so little variation, then why do I have so many pairs, and why do I continue to spend time thinking about possible other pairs? It's because shoes represent for me both a real and emotional sense of well being, and signify being comfortable and supported when I am around the people of the world (in other words, not alone).  I say around, and opposed to among those people, because I often feel a sense of anxiety when I step out my apartment (and the feeling of safety that I have there) into a world which often feels chaotic and dangerous, and where I feel more surrounded by, rather than with other people.
   I have for many years purchased basically the same style of footwear, but over the past few years I have been more limited in the actual shoes that I am able to buy, as I now have plantar fasciitis (that I need to use an orthotic shoe insert to treat), as well as having had an ankle surgery which requires that I have a great deal of cushioning in the soles of my shoes. The moccasin toe design of my shoes, a shoe style that I have always liked aesthetically, has also become important to my shoe needs physically, as this design generally allows enough toe space for my orthotic inserts to fit comfortably. Perhaps because of these limitations imposed due to physical necessity, I sense a decrease in my ability to choose, and maybe this translates to a kind of desperation somehow. I react to this by trying to figure (or design my way) out of this psychological cage by getting the perfect shoe, a shoe that will alleviate my feeling of repression and fear, and make me feel like I am comfortable in the world. I want to feel that my foot, and perhaps my entire sense of self, is wrapped, and that my contact with the world (through the soles of my shoes) is a gentle one.

"The Coat II" by Philip Guston