Self-editing

   I've had some things happen in my life recently, particularly in the last week, which have helped me to visualize the complex ways that I censor myself from doing what I feel.
   I was going to add the word heart to the previous sentence ("feel in my heart"), but realized that saying so might have been another way to split myself away from my feelings; it would posit that there was some kind of difference between my feelings, as if some were more essential or real than others.
   I'm glad that I caught myself.
   The experience which really allowed me to see a clear example of this occured through a relationship I have with a person that I would casually say hello to when I see them. This individual began doing something that I found bothersome and inconsiderate, although it didn't affect me directly. I became increasingly annoyed by the behavior, and decided to stop acknowledging them when we would pass.
   For the first few days, I could feel their gaze on me as my eyes would avoid them. I felt like I had a right to do what I wanted to in instances like this; after all, all that I really have in life that really belongs to me is my opinions and choices.
   Well, after a few days, while I was writing, I came to realize that I may be hurting this person for something that was not really terrible; they were just doing something that I didn't like or approve of. It became clear at that moment that this individual probably had a good heart. I didn't want to cause pain to that heart, nor others' if I could help it.
   The thought occured to me that perhaps I should talk with them about why I had stopped greeting them, explain my feelings, but I held back. I thought that the situation was not really that big of a deal, or that talking with them at all was perhaps too forward. It just seemed too something.
   It registered clearly to me as I thought on it that I often do this; I feel that I should do something, then stop from doing so the more I think about it. My rational interrupts what seems to be my true feelings.
   So I set out to try to repair the damage, ready to talk to, or simply say hello to them again when I saw them, but they ignored my gaze as we passed. I didn't want to force anything their way, realizing that they had probably been hurt by my sudden lack of friendliness. I'm pretty certain that they had no idea why I had stopped greeting them, but were now protecting themselves from me, and perhaps more pain.
   I understand now that I had done something similar; I had shielded myself from my own uncomfortable feelings about the world by protecting myself from it.
   I decided that I would continue to be open to repairing our very superficial relationship, and never stopped being open to acknowledge them, should they decide to look my way again.
   They did.
   "Nice hat" I heard as we passed on what was perhaps the third or fourth day after my intial avoidance of them, to which I replied, "thanks".
   I'm assuming that this person didn't really care very much about my hat, but figured that they too had probably decided to mend things. The hat seemed like it could be an opening for that. They were right.
   I believe now that it was my desire and ability to remain available in this circumstance that had allowed them to fill that opening with a gesture of warmth.
   It strikes me that although my relationship with this person was, and still is not significant in my life (I really know nothing about them), the experience was.
   I had made a true, meaningful connection with another person.