An unexpected feeling of freedom

   A few days ago, I had been thinking about driving up to Ukiah to surprise Fernanda. She had taken the bus up there three days earlier to see her brother, who was in the hospital recovering from a surgery. He was okay, and was to be going home.
    It was strange that I had thought to do this trip, as driving exacerbates the pain that I feel from the bulging disk in my neck, but I woke up feeling a bit bored, like I have been having too much "me" time. I also thought that it would be wonderful to see Fernanda's face when I showed up unexpectedly.

   The day before, after buying a pair of shoes that I had felt remorseful after for doing, I had gone back to return them, which lifted my spirits. I felt like I had one less thing to concern myself with or weigh me down.
   I don't know if I still felt some leftover sensation of being less encumbered than usual, but as I put a few things into the trunk of my car, I became aware that I had suddenly felt quite free. It might have been that I felt at that moment that I didn't need more to be okay, but more than anything I think it was the notion that I could do what I wanted that day. I could do the drive up north, or not, but it was up to me. I had a choice.
   It's probably hard to fathom for those that are not me (which is everyone that I can think of) just how powerful this feeling of choice is for me, but I will say that what generally makes me feel most agitated is the sense that I am being impeded or blocked in some way.
   I am aware, of course, that I cannot do just what I want to do in the world without consequences to others, and I do care about others, but sensing some actual level of authority over my own life is a rare and wonderful thing.