I have many thoughts during the day, many of which are produced, or at least guided by the fears that I have and past needs which went unfulfilled. The ideas that I have and actions that I take have often been developed to try to keep me feeling protected from a world based on the past, but there are times, generally when I am quiet and at ease, where I am able to feel and see things in a way which seems quite present and often surprising to me.
This morning was one of those times.
As I walked, and the chilly, post-rain air emitted a feeling of "freshness"(as one person I know put it), the idea came to me that my wife is really a beautiful person. This impression was followed with the thought that her struggles to be in the world, which I can at times find irritating as they relate to me, are in a very literal way a reflection of my own difficulties in this area. I use the world literal here because it struck me in such a matter-of-fact way, and I realized then that if I could manage to be more aware, more cognizant and forgiving of her efforts, that perhaps I could do the same in regards to mine, too. It dawned on me what a good heart Fernanda has, and that probably, nearly all that comes from her still sprouts from this kernel, no matter how it may bother me.
I remember as I am writing this that it was this quality which probably most drew me to her those nearly fifteen years ago, and it is still there, though it has been made murkier by my own struggles to exist in a world that I often find to be hostile, and which very much color my impressions of the person I love most.
I realize that the more I can see her in this way, the more wholly and with forgiveness I may be able to envision myself, too.
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